Now

Inviting the self out. Stuck inside. Curled up in cultures. Taken away and taken back by what I don’t know. And then what I know. What I can’t grasp because of stuckness. Knowing about Mohezin Tejani’s experience of Pink Floyd in 1973. But never having seen Uganda, India, Nepal, Thailand… Having seen the Grand Canyon but I was just ten. Memories of Prague, foremost. A mood. My city today – obsessed with a game, it’s a whole culture. Wanting to know that too. Wanting to know everything. So I am paralysed. Almost 25. Friends I haven’t called for a long time. People who think busy is an excuse. Taking on too much. Needing to write. November will be the writing month. Next year will be the year. But now is now. Absurd. Taste of tic tacs. Immediate craving – what? John O’Sullivan’s poems ‘Enlightenment/Or strait jacket’, I have often wondered. People I can’t wait to meet. But annoyed at the brevity of my visits. Newcastle and Bali, a few days in each. A million people to see, talk to, drink with. Will there be a chance to know? And work, all of it. My life is my love is my work is my passion. No time for long term things. No time to make people really happy. No time to see it all, really. I must know. Time to learn science, study other cultures? Philosophy? Politics? The point? To teach it to someone else? The point? Right now. Taste of tic tacs. Hole in stocking annoying my toes. Thoughts of sister working, nursing a hole. Expectations of self, funny fears, inadequacies, specific Western youth type-experiences. Wanting to write more about this one day. Note to self. Wanting to place them in the context of all I don’t yet know. So hungry for so much. Paralysis. Yet somehow always moving forward, always getting things done. But progress – euch, an ingrained, Western tendency. Is it progress when it’s to achieve knowledge? But then to make use of it… But then to not worry and soak up the moment. But then being too aware of the moment and becoming overwhelmed. And always that little bit of guilt – lingering in every choice, every action. Ingrained. Tic tac taste fading. Might eat another. Pen and paper in front of me. Reading on.

2 thoughts on “Now

  1. Hey Angela, interesting post; I think your brain and my brain should go bowling. Last time I went short sentence, I read The Medium is the Massage by Marshall Mcluhan. Cleared everything right up : )

  2. i choose to live not in frustration but in awe of the things i am yet to or may never now the mysteries of; be it science, politic or supernatural.

    the only truths worth knowing are in the form of a question which cannot be answered in words.

    such as: “Who are you?”

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